Monday, July 22, 2013

World War Z, X, and F

Just to let you guys in on an inner struggle I have, I thought I'd pour my heart out on the internet.  I have a good feeling many, many other authors feel this way, but there are many days I get extremely overwelmed.  Not so much about the actual writing part - but everything else that comes along with it!  Social media, marketing, making connections, making plans, keeping up with sales, expenses, and my to do list. 

I find myself constantly having to step back and ask myself - what is the #1 thing I want to get out of this whole author thing?  Because it's easy to take things for granted and compare yourself against everyone else (which you'll never measure up to in your own mind) and sink lower and lower until you're floating down the cry-me-a-river river without a paddle - sitting in a stinkin pile of your own self-pity.  Believe me, it's not a pretty place to be.  Yet I find myself on the edge of the cliff, peering over and wondering why I'm still climbing upward when I could just let go and fall into the abyss with no effort whatsoever.

But then I remember, this never and still isn't about 'winning' or 'money' or the number of likes I have on facebook or how many conferences I can go to.  It's much, much more personal than that.  Therein lies my problem.  Writing for me is such a release; a journey to a place inside my heart where I can't be touched by the outside world.  A place no one can ever take away from me and then sharing that place with my readers in the form of stories.  That's what it's about for me.  I'm not good at deadlines.  I'm not good at writing challenges or announcing my word count every day.  I wish I could be more like that, but my inner Gollum comes out and my preeeecious (aka: anything I write) becomes so important to me I selfishly hoard it and live in it and do the backstroke in it for weeks before I want anyone else to know about it. 

I have moments of self-doubt because regardless of my writing abilities, if I don't market myself correctly or enough, I won't progress in the industry like I hope to.  So the two sides of me are constantly in a battle of wills - one telling me to meditate and let my mind wander so those creative juices have somewhere to flow.  The other screaming at me to get on facebook! tweet on twitter! make some bookmarks! share some links! make some pretty pictures to share on said twitter and facebook!! make a storyboard on Pinterest! research book events! read other authors' blogs!  That nails-on-a-chalkboard voice (whom I picture as Betty White which raises the odd factor even further) pushes me until I'm one panic attack away from a straight jacket.  So until I can find that healthy balance, I'll likely regurgitate my worries, doubts, and inner nuclear wars for you fine people to read. 


Tonya Gauthier-Kellum said...

I read this yesterday on my break and I just have to say I loved this post :) and I for one will say I truly love your books :)

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