Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Myrtle Effin Beach, baby!

This coming Friday I’m headed to the beach.  And not just any beach.  It goes by many names: The Armpit of the South (no, not Columbia although you’re close), Myrtle Vegas, Redneck Riviera, Grand Stranded, Spring Break Beach – but according to Southerners it’s called Myrtle Effin Beach, baby!

Just when you think America can sink no lower than the travesty that is Honey Boo Boo, you travel to Myrtle and realize, we’ve just scratched the surface.  If Jorts, airbrushed t-shirts, American flag bikinis, mid-drift tanks, and wife beaters aren’t redneck enough for you – you’ll be happy to know that Camaro hair you thought died out with the 1980’s was only hibernating.  When the surly aromas of hairspray, stale beer, and grease waft up from every bar, beach towel, and dually truck you know you’ve reached your destination.

It’s place high school kids flock to for graduation every year to drink their brain cells away, puke their guts out, and win white t-shirt contests.  In a word its….MAGICAL.  That’s right – dirty, smelly, faded green carpet covered, and your key chain heaven – Myrtle Beach oozes teenage hormones and midnight skinny dipping pool competitions.  I was one of those wide eyed and bushy tailed teenagers.  I threw toilet paper off the balcony of the SandCastle.  I convinced some random dude to buy us beer, and slammed my finger in a very non-sanitary door, and woke up each morning trying to remember the awesomeness that had ensued. 
It’s a rite of passage down here.  Graduation Week.  And for the rest of our lives whether we are married, a loving mother, or the CEO of Google - we will return to those tainted streets with heavy hearts and wide smirks as we literally drive down memory lane.  I’m pretty sure I’ve never stayed at the Beach Colony which is our chosen hotel for the weekend, but it doesn’t matter.  It’s Myrtle Effin Beach and anything goes.  And that my friends is why going to the beach with your girlfriends is always a good idea.  Here are 5 other reasons we all need a girl’s beach weekend at least once a year:

1.       Yoga pants are a viable outfit option for any time of the day or outing.
2.       Your girlfriends won’t comment on the beach-frizz brillo pad hairdo you’re rockin.  Cause we’ll be rockin the same look.

3.       You can ugly-snot-cry at any point with no repercussions or judgments.

4.       All diets are forfeited the moment you pass the Welcome to Myrtle Beach sign.
5.       That Mickey Mouse towel you can’t quite get yourself to throw away will fit right in.


Tonya Gauthier-Kellum said...

LOL I love it and yep Myrtle Effin Beach. I hope you have fun. I'll be at softball showcases all weekend in Clearwater.

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